saving face 👀
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid