saving face 👀
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.