saving face 👀
You Might Also Like
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Lmaoo 😂
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.