saving face 👀
You Might Also Like
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
no exceptions
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.