saving face 👀
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Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first