saving face 👀
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Not my job 😂
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan