saving face 👀
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what