saving face 👀
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.