Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”