Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.