saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.