saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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the icebreaker
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.