Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
channeling her this year
