Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.