Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You Might Also Like
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
(grounding my kid) go outside.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words