Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You Might Also Like
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
How actors in movies eat their food
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.