Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.