Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Kermit goes Blue.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.