Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.