@MamaFizzles: Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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@IvyelleWright: Him: "I killed the spider for you. He suffered." Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) "Splendid."
@Vodkantots: Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.
@OctopusCaveman: I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
@skwunt: ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner? 7: Do you have cheese? ME: yes 7: Do you have ham? Me: yes 7: Do you have bread and mayo? Me: YES 7: I want spaghetti