Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min


[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling


When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”


The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars


Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?


*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family