Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.