Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.