Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

*pokes sex life with a stick

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse