Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!