Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

#Caturday

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

i hope this email finds you fast and furious