Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
So many people to disappoint, so little time
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”