Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Here’s a meme

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]