Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress