Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me too 😆
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.