Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Cat.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”