Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell happened here.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

multitasking lunch

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.