Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

i really liked this one

ㅤ

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”