Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.