Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇