@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

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@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@7_Cents

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

@Amusitr0n

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

@theshamingofjay

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs

@Norsebysw

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

@causticbob

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”