Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Google assistant rules
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1