Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it


Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes


Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.


Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well


Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs


There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.


My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”