@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

- @Mindless4Miles

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@sixfootcandy

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

@Diversion50

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@Naked_Superman

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

@KevinFarzad

I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.

@Dawn_M_

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So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

@ReeMURDA

I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers