Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.