Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”