Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
You Might Also Like
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..