Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?