Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]