Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night