Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

wut hotdog?

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Camel dough

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Yup!