Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

every. time.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day