Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Dumple

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?