Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?