Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”