Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
meow
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
U talkin 2 me?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..