Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
You Might Also Like
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me