Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes