Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–


ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.


dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave


I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*



I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.


Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk


My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father