Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”