teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father