Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*