Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
