Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
What’s so funny?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
