Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Oops I deleted….

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”