Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Guy who likes music

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it