Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?