Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.