Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh