Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
That was easy.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
We found love in a hopeless place.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.