Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
