Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”