Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Barbie gone wild

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Seals are just dog mermaids.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.