Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

who named him groot and not spruce lee

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done