Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.