Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

it takes so much energy

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable