Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Labreador
