Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot