Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
