Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat