Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

This is hilarious….

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart