Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?