Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

OKAY DAD

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…