saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I mean…but I did
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
welcome back
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good