saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
translated into Canadian
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
😭😭😭
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.