saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Great Canadian literature.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?