Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

British people

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.