Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

why on earth do you guys have a state named washington and a city named washington and they’re on opposite sides of the map. this whole time i thought the white house was in washington state

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in