Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
damn he’s good
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*